Worms and Waggling Beards
by JuicyJuice
Summary: Your typical HPLotR crossover with waggling beards thrown in. Read it anyway. And then review. Gracias.


Pre-thingy: Here is my lovely scenario: We are assuming that all seven years of Harry Potter has happened already and that Voldemort has been overthrown (and Sauron, contrary to popular belief, is still around, but he can't really do anything except toast marshmallows with his own buttocks). I am not basing this off the movies, as I am one of those people who read the books AND watch the movies. You'll still understand it, though, if you just watched the movies. I hope you are as amused as I am by this!! Enjoy!  
  
"The thing about us villains," said Voldemort, "Is we don't get no respect." He resists the urge to break into song (Aretha Franklin, no doubt) and turns to his companion, "And what is it with this disembodiment thing? When WE get shot down, we become invisible, but the GOOD people get to stay nice and fit and acquire attractive battle wounds when THEY get hurt."  
  
"You think YOU had it bad!" replied Sauron, "I was disembodied for an AGE, and I'm not even exaggerating."  
  
"Oh, you poor dear!" Voldemort exclaimed, "Would you like to join me for a cup of tea and some biscuits in my Hut of Exile?"  
  
"Ahem. . .errr. . .well, I'd love to, but it's difficult to eat, being a big floating fiery eyeball thing," he blushed a deep red, or he would have if he hadn't been on fire already.  
  
"Pardon me! I had forgotten. Ah, well, it will save the expense. Come along anyhow, and hurry. I see two Wise Wizards of the Wagging Beards approaching." They went off into the Forbidden Forest.  
  
"It is hard," said Gandalf, "To be the Wisest Wizard of the Wagging Beard around. There is always so much to do: Dark Lords to overthrow, kings to bring to their senses, and pipes to be smoked. It's a wonder how I fit it all into an age, if I do say so myself."  
  
"Yes," agreed Dumbledore, "And we always do it with the longest and whitest of beards. We are so unappreciated. Beards are heavy and hard to groom!"  
  
Gandalf nodded, "And I am so infinitely wise."  
  
"It is not wise to declare oneself wisest. Only the wise will say they are not wise and the wisest will declare themselves stupid. Do not call thyself wise, or your wisdom will be unwisely spent."  
  
"Hmm. . .I think I lost you there, Dumby, my lad. It is perfectly wise to be honest with oneself."  
  
Dumbledore's beard stiffened, "Modesty is wise. I am the King of Modesty."  
  
"Ha!" cried Gandalf, "If Modesty=Wisdom and you declare yourself modest, then by the Transitive Property you declare yourself wise, which, by your own rule, means you are unwise. Therefore, I am the wisest!"  
  
"Nay! I am the wisest!" Dumbledore screeched, "I read your books! You got a Game Over when you fought that Balrog! Jesus had to send you back with a second life!"  
  
"In the name of Sauron's great, fiery underpants, who is Jesus?!" said Gandalf vehemently, using a common expression among the wizards of Middle Earth.  
  
"Ha! You ask me for answers! I am wiser!"  
  
And the argument continued. From a worm's eye view there were just two great, waggling beards doing a little Beardy Dance.  
  
Meanwhile, two villainous villains were having a deep discussion.  
  
"It HURTS!" sobbed Wormtail, "No one respects you when your name starts with 'worm.' I can't eat and I can't sleep because I'm so ashamed."  
  
"Yes," Wormtongue blubbered, "There's no respect when your name gives away your worst qualities. You have no self-esteem. If Saruman's name was StupidIdiotFatHead, he would know how it feels."  
  
"Yes, or if Harry's name was Self-Obsessed Pride-Addict, then he would know how we feel."  
  
"Or if Sauron's name was OrcMolester," said Wormtongue, beginning to cheer up a bit.  
  
"Or if Dumbledore's name was Uglybeard."  
  
"Or if Frodo's name was ThickAnkle."  
  
"Or if Lupin's name was HouseElfMolester."  
  
"Or if. . .  
  
Somewhere nearby, Lucius Malfoy and Saruman were having a heart-to- heart.  
  
"Yes, I quite agree," said Saruman, "The "good" side has no proper grooming skills, except for those prissy elves who can galumph around all day and remain immaculate. Gandalf's beard may look okay now, but the state of it when he is working and riding around on that horse is appalling! Tufts of it going in every which way and twigs sticking out of it and such. I don't think it's ever had a good trim. I would never be seen like that!"  
  
"My well-groomed, dazzling blond is far superior to any messy-haired Potter's ugly head!" cried Lucius.  
  
"Good grooming is the second best thing on Middle Earth," said Saruman, "Power, ah, power, is the first thing I need to keep me happy."  
  
"Ahh, the good old days when I used to have so much power, so much influence! It was beautiful how Cornelius Fudge would act at my command," said Lucius, "I wonder if I could have kept that power if I hadn't been Voldemort's handmaiden. . ."  
  
"You think that's power, having the Prime Minister at your disposal? I had the whole Council at my disposal! I owned the key to Orthanc and a palantir! Sometimes I wonder if it was worth it to change my loyalties. I lost everything after that. . ." said Saruman. They both thought for a second.  
  
"Nah!" they both said together, "Anything for POWER!"  
  
And they cackled into the evening.  
  
"We are the sidekicks," said Ron glumly.  
  
"You make it sound like a bad thing!" said Sam, "I would die for Frodo. I nearly did, in fact, and I had no doubt that it was the right thing. Loyalty is a person's best quality."  
  
"Yes, well maybe it's not that bad when you're face to face with the Grand Hero, but no one else gives us any respect. It's all about Harry, Harry, Harry!"  
  
"Well, maybe I didn't get the credit I might have, but after all, it was worse for Frodo. He deserves the credit!"  
  
"Heh! Just look at our names! No one calls me Ronald and no one calls you Samwise, but they can manage to waste the ink to type out Frodo and Harry, can't they?"  
  
"I. . .I never thought of it that way. . .WE SHOULD REVOLT!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!" hE RAN OFF SCREAMING, BUT THEN RAN BACK BECAUSE HE FORGOT TO TURN HIS CAPS LOCK OFF. Then a thought hit him, "Ronald," he said, "Do you think anyone would pay attention to someone named Fro'? It calls to mind a rather different sort of person—a person with a huge amount of sticky-up hair, in fact."  
  
"Now that you mention it, I doubt anyone named Har' would be taken seriously. . ." They sat there in contemplation till the cows came home.  
  
Harry and Frodo were having a sob session together. If the words they spoke through their tears had been coherent, they would have sounded something like this:  
  
"It's so hard being el Nacho Grande. . .er. . .The Grand Hero," said Harry, "You are never—sob—properly worshipped. . .and we also tend to be rather undersized."  
  
"Yes, authors seem to assume that to be an "Unlikely Hero" one must be ridiculously short.—sob—it is soooo humiliating!"  
  
"Blubby blubber-blub sobbity sob-sob," said Harry.  
  
"WAAAAAAH!" said Frodo articulately, "And we are so infinitely bland. It's hideous!"  
  
"Speak for yourself! I'm not bland!" shouted Harry, "I have infinite PERSONALITY!"  
  
"Heh," said Fro,' "That's not a personality, honey, those are just pride issues and obnoxiousness. You'll grow out of it, I'm sure."  
  
"Bah! How dare thee sayeth these abominable slanders! Thou art a pathetic WET NOODLE!" Harry stood up and brandished his glittering sword, "I have read your diary! You couldn't even carry a little ring around without going all freaky on Sam-I-am!"  
  
Frodo did not move from where he sat, so Harry again brandished his glittering sword. In fact, he did not stop glittering or brandishing for about an hour. Eventually Frodo decided that Harry would hurt himself if he did not intervene.  
  
"If you really read my books, you would no that I am no longer violent nor sword-brandishing. I bet you just watched the movies! Anyhow, your stories are of a childish boy running around being stupid, but still managing to survive. My stories are tales of wisdom and good, and the power of Hobbit strength and will. Gandalf's wisdom is--"But he was cut off mid-sentence by Gandalf himself running by, giggling gleefully, with what looked like a small, white woodland creature.  
  
"Hee hee! His beard waggling days are OVER! Tee-hee heeeeeeeeeeeeee. . ."  
  
They stared after him for a moment.  
  
"Go on," said Harry, "I believe you were saying something amusing."  
  
A/N—REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!!!!!!!!! If you liked this, there's more to come (eventually) and if you didn't like this, there is still more to come (eventually). Please review, it's the only pay us FF writers get and it makes me v. happy. You can even flame me, it is your personal choice, but I will laugh at you. . .A LOT. I may die laughing at you. . . 


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